Two New Rules
i am proud to announce the immediate implementation of my Executive Etiquette Orders 1-2009 and 2-2009:
Executive Order 1-2009 provides mandatory penalty provisions for failure to exercise proper elevator etiquette. It reads, in pertinent part:
"It shall be unlawful under this section for any proposed elevator user to attempt to board an elevator prior to the exiting of any and/or all elevator users who wish to depart on the same floor upon which the proposed user intends to enter."
Plain English Translation: Don't block people from getting off the elevator because you're in a rush to get on. Exits before entrances, jerkoff.
Executive Order 2-2009 permits health club members to deviate from what would be considered appropriate etiquette in a certain situation:
It shall be lawful under this section for a gym member who has exercised regularly for a period of at least sixty (60) days immediately preceding an event as defined in this section to ridicule, harass and/or otherwise embarrass a potential health club patron.
"Potential health club patron" is defined as a morbidly obese individual.
"Event" is defined in this section as a potential health club patron being paraded around a health club by a health club employee and being shown the plethora of state-of-the-art gym equipment, all the while asking questions about the equipment, nodding approvingly to the employee's rehearsed answers, but using none of the equipment and leaving the health club without breaking a sweat.
Plain English translation: Ridicule may be avoided if you adopt the Nike slogan: Get to the gym and "just do it".
Executive Order 1-2009 provides mandatory penalty provisions for failure to exercise proper elevator etiquette. It reads, in pertinent part:
"It shall be unlawful under this section for any proposed elevator user to attempt to board an elevator prior to the exiting of any and/or all elevator users who wish to depart on the same floor upon which the proposed user intends to enter."
Plain English Translation: Don't block people from getting off the elevator because you're in a rush to get on. Exits before entrances, jerkoff.
Executive Order 2-2009 permits health club members to deviate from what would be considered appropriate etiquette in a certain situation:
It shall be lawful under this section for a gym member who has exercised regularly for a period of at least sixty (60) days immediately preceding an event as defined in this section to ridicule, harass and/or otherwise embarrass a potential health club patron.
"Potential health club patron" is defined as a morbidly obese individual.
"Event" is defined in this section as a potential health club patron being paraded around a health club by a health club employee and being shown the plethora of state-of-the-art gym equipment, all the while asking questions about the equipment, nodding approvingly to the employee's rehearsed answers, but using none of the equipment and leaving the health club without breaking a sweat.
Plain English translation: Ridicule may be avoided if you adopt the Nike slogan: Get to the gym and "just do it".
posted by chrismanganello at 8:43 PM
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